Under the Oaks: Lessons from the Second Child
No one can actually tell you anything.
Welcome to Under the Oaks, a quiet place to sit and read in the Land of Oaks and Roses.
It only took a few months of being pregnant with my second baby for everything I knew about motherhood to change. I wish that women were given more credit for the true physical and mental feat that is pregnancy. I spent 100 days feeling like I could throw up at any minute. Then I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and spent the last 100 days pricking my fingers with small needles and self-injecting insulin with not so small needles. Pregnancy is no joke. The mom I was before was impossible now. My second’s middle name is Oak in honor of the strength we found in each other.
As my second was born and started to grow, the needs of my first baby continued shifting away from center. And that felt devastating. I worried that she was losing the quality of care she had before. But if I’m being honest, I was losing something too. I lost the gratification that came from fulfilling her needs with my full capacity. I lost the comfort of knowing that a job was so well done. I think I had convinced myself that nothing that bad could happen to a child whose mom had decided to make baby food with homemade bone broth. And I wasn’t that kind of mom anymore.
When my second reached toddlerhood, I thought I’d be prepared with all the scripts and strategies I had enthusiastically honed with my first. But something was different now. I couldn’t apply anything universally. What made one feel loved, made the other feel annoyed. What gave one energy, exhausted the other. One kid’s favorite lunch, sent the other to the ER. I began to understand how truly unique energy is. And that there’s no external best way to find comfort in. No one can actually tell you anything. The only expert is the one whose paying the closest attention. The only expert is probably you. Feels scary right?
I began to really observe and try to respect the four unique energies in this family of mine. I let go of creating one ideal schedule and strategy to make things run smoothly. I stopped caring if we all ate dinner together. As Dr. Angela Fisher-Solomon wisely told me: “these aren’t the years for it.” Instead, I did more to notice the beauty and synergy that exists when people get the opportunity to not do things the same way.
But, the tricky thing is that being in a family does require some level of conformity. There can’t be four versions of everything all the time. I was on the phone with my childhood best friend (you’ve met Sasha, but I also have a lifelong best friend named Jennifer. Two best friends! I know how lucky I am.) She said something so interesting: “Sacrificing in relationships isn’t going 50/50. It’s you get this and I get that.” I knew this to be true because it’s something my second baby taught me.
He’s only known a world in which getting requires giving. And waiting. He’s made all of us better at it. He’s shown us that having things your way all the time doesn’t make you more of who you are, because relationships are a core part of us too. Deciding that “you get this” turns you into more than just a passive recipient of care. You become an active participant in it all. My second showed me that active participation is a role meant for everyone in a family, not just the parents. Everyone wants to contribute to something bigger than themselves. It feels good. It creates confidence and purpose. But, let’s be real. It’s hard to give at the expense of what you want. We don’t find the right balance everyday. But when I zoom out, I see how much we’ve all given and how much we’ve all received. I notice that we’ve all contributed to something bigger than ourselves. And on good days, that thing is love.
If you’ve made it this far, it means so much to still have your attention. Especially in a world where content is becoming what it is. I’m going to pick someone who becomes a paid subscriber this week and send them a little thank you box of fun things. I receive tons of gifts from brands because of this community and want to share the love!
“No one can actually tell you anything. The only expert is the one who’s paying the closest attention.” This line made me have to pause reading and think. This is so true about so many things.
I don't have kids but this was aa beautiful read all the same. I'm starting to see compromise in a different way too in my relationship, where 50/50 is rarely what makes most sense, makes ut both feel seen or feels like the place we want to be in. The "you get this and I get this" feels a lot more reasonable!