Under the Oaks: The Meest Me, The Youest You

Who is that “same person” before and after things change?

Welcome to Under the Oaks, a quiet place to sit and read in the Land of Oaks and Roses.

I had so much fun writing last week’s Spring style story. It made me think a lot about my eighteen-year-old self who had just gotten her first fashion job in New York City. That job made me feel special, worthy, chosen. Part of something bigger. Working in fashion was more than something I loved. It became part of my identity. I think a lot of people relate to their careers this way. Especially, when you’re doing work that means something to you. Plus, where else is a 20-something going to get their identity from? I know there are helpful answers to this question but the greatest city in the world and a Louis Vuitton dress Zoe Saldana wore the night before felt like great options to me.

There’s nothing wrong with loving New York City or beautiful clothes (I still do!) The problem isn’t loving them. Or anything. The problem is rooting your identity in something that can change (hi from the suburbs in my cozy sweatpants.) And the uncomfortable reality is that almost all of it can: jobs, clothes, houses, cities, relationships… all of it is subject to change.

20-something-year-old me did an interview for Forbes where one of my sentences became that Forbes quote of the day that used to pop-up on their homepage (in hindsight, what an incredible hint from the universe that writing was for me.) The sentence was: “Before an intimidating conversation, I always remind myself that I will be the same person before and after the conversation, no matter the outcome.” I think this idea applies well to thinking about identity too. Who is that “same person” before and after things change?

I can tell you from experience that it’s not any of the fashion you’ll see in this newsletter. As beautiful as it is! Style serves a function. One of the skills I’ve developed in my mid-thirties is recognizing the difference between function and identity. House, career, money, city, suburb, beautiful clothes…all of these things serve a function in my life but they are separate from who I am. Because they can all change. And they have. So they can’t be part of that “same person.”

Other tempting areas to root identity for me: race, religion and of course motherhood. A quote by poet Jane Wong from

Alicia Kennedy

’s newsletter best describes how I feel about using race or religion: “I can embody none of these identities separately because I am all of them at the same time.” I’ve never heard a better description of how it feels to use race or religion to define yourself when you are multiracial and come from parents of different religions. Also, race and religion have always felt like boxes made by someone else. They can add value to my life (another function) but they aren’t the truest place for me to root my identity. Onto motherhood. The most tempting. Becoming a mom completely changed my life in all the ways I wanted it to and all the ways I needed it to. Mom is the most important job I’ll have in this lifetime. But is it who I am? I want to say yes. But, there are parts of me that exist outside the lines of that role. Important parts. Me waking up at 5am every morning to write this newsletter is proof of that. Motherhood is big, the biggest, but not big enough to fully define me.

Years ago I read Martha Beck’s The Way of Integrity. In it, she asks readers to do an exercise where you choose a verb-adverb combination to define your core values. They can be anything you want. Some examples she gives are “teaching compassionately,” “serving honorably,” “caring generously,” and “learning joyfully.” I thought hard about what two words to choose, and vividly remember writing down “creating lovingly.” Those two words come back to me all the time. They shimmer in my memory. I wonder if it’s because they are who I really am. Someone who creates lovingly. Whether I’m making lunchboxes or stringing words together here, living in the city or suburbs, wearing PR samples or pajamas… they always apply. There’s sturdiness to them. It feels very human to want to plant both feet somewhere unchangeable. Maybe those two words are the place for me.

What two words would you choose? Who is the “same person” that you’ll still be when things change? Find your two words and you may realize that everything can actually stay the same.

One Last Thing

Shopbop’s Spring sale starts today. Because things sell out, I didn’t want to wait to share my very edited list of picks below. Enjoy!

• These leggings. They are my everyday, wear nonstop leggings for the last four years.

• This brown suede belt from last week’s story (also comes in classic black.)

• Agolde denim (every time I’ve loved someone’s jeans recently they have been by this brand.)

• I wanted to include this cardigan in last week’s story but the price stopped me. Now that it’s on sale I’m making a note of how beautiful it is.

• Nili’s Shon pants are one of her classics and I’m so surprised to see them as part of this sale! I sized down one size in these and they are still so comfortable.

• The black version of the woven flats from last week’s story. Super beautiful too!

See you next week!