Under the Oaks: Closer Close Relationships

I try (hard) to put this into practice.

Welcome to Under the Oaks, a quiet place to sit and read in the Land of Oaks and Roses.

I started doing something that’s made my closest relationships closer. “Doing” might be an overstatement—but it’s something I think about all the time, and try (hard) to put into practice.

First, what I used to do without thinking about it.

I’d see something about someone that bothered me—my husband overloading the dishwasher (lol), or my kids ignoring me after I’ve asked them to get ready for bed for the tenth time. Then, I’d feel this feeling. I think we all know it. For me, it feels like something hot starts charging inside my chest that slowly makes it’s way up and out of my mouth as frustration, anger or resentment. My focus is always on what the other person is doing wrong, how they could be better and how unfair it is to me (lol again.)

Here’s what I try to do now.

When I feel the charge, I stop, and try to do anything other than address the person who’s bothering me in the moment. This is hard! I’ve learned that I need to do something else rather than trying to do nothing. I usually head upstairs and organize something. I once heard someone say, “Go make yourself a sandwich!” and I love that visual even when I don’t want a sandwich. I say it to myself in my head, and it always brings a little lightness to the heat. The idea is that you’re trying to interrupt a reactive pattern—one your brain has probably had on repeat for a long time.

Next!

We wait until the charge is gone before touching the issue. Also hard! This could mean waiting a week at first. But the good news is that, with practice, the waiting time gets shorter and shorter. When that happens, take it as a sign of your own growth.

Once the charge is gone—really gone, not just pushed down—I ask myself, “What is this telling me about me?” Because that charge is coming from somewhere older than this moment. If it weren’t, you’d notice the issue and be able to address it without that feeling. If an intense feeling is there, it’s not about the dishwasher. It’s probably about trying to get something you didn’t get when you should have. And this understanding is where the magic is. Because once you know what it is you’ve really been looking for, you can finally get to work on having it.

And lastly (I’m going to use listening as an example here because I think it’s extremely common for women and moms. But plug in whatever scenario it is for you.)

Now, when my kids don’t even look in my direction after I’ve begged them to go upstairs and brush their teeth, I stop what I’m doing and go upstairs myself. I listen deeply to that charge. To myself. Sometimes it tells me something important. When it does, I try to write it down. This is usually when it starts to dissipate. Then, I think about how well I listened to them that day. Was I on my phone when he was trying to tell me something? Did I cut her off mid sentence in the morning rush? The answer is almost always yes. I focus my energy on my own growth. I think about the thing that I want them to be, and I try to become more of it myself.

“A healer is someone who seeks to be the light that they wished they’d had in their darkest moments.” Alan Watts

Ironically, after all this, most of the time I don’t even need to address the issue anymore. Because when I become a better listener, so do the people around me. I see so clearly now how our own example is the best (and maybe only) way to influence the people around us. We don’t change because someone else tells us to. But a living, breathing example shifts the energy in a room. And that energy becomes contagious. You finally get to have what it is you’ve really been after all these years by creating it yourself, giving it away freely, and having it come back to you.

So now, when I feel that hot charge, I think of it as a signal that I have the opportunity to get something I really want. And that’s a pretty powerful shift.

See you next week!

With much love,

Olivia