Under the Oaks: On Mothering
It’s learned, created, layered, complex.
Welcome to Under the Oaks, a quiet place to sit and read in the Land of Oaks and Roses.
Mothering starts when we do because mothering starts with ourselves. It’s learned, created, layered, complex. It’s a skill. It grows with experience. It’s action not identity. It’s the mom who’s up in the middle of the night for all the reasons moms are up in the middle of the night, and it’s the friend who checks in on that mom whether she has her own kids or not.
“The greatest harm that I’ve ever done to other people was through me not knowing how to take care of myself.” Elizabeth Gilbert
When I heard Elizabeth Gilbert say this, I stopped to write it down. To me, it says so much about the importance of mothering. She goes on to say, “If I don’t take care of myself a few things are going to happen. I’m going to lose my mind. I’m going to become super needy, super clingy, and super manipulative because I’m going to try to get my needs met through you.”
The care she’s describing can include a bubble bath but it’s something much deeper than that too. It’s understanding your needs, knowing how to meet them, and trusting that you will. Especially when it disappoints other people. It’s putting yourself to bed. It’s knowing that when you fuck up in that very big way, it’s actually ok. You’re not in trouble for it. Or anything. Because you have you, no matter what. It’s giving yourself a big glass of water. It’s not letting yourself take that shiny job, or go to that shiny party, or buy that shiny bag if it means moving farther away from the truest version of yourself. It’s listening to the small whisper inside. It’s your hand on your heart. It’s looking at what’s not working directly in the eyes because there’s nothing you can’t say to you about you. It’s knowing that the real thing is still there waiting for you, without judgement, no matter how many times you choose the quick and easy thing. It’s trust, earned by showing up for yourself everyday. It’s making sure that you’re ok, with warmth. It’s putting mothering back at the top of your list no matter how many times the world knocks it down. It’s unconditional love.
If you do have kids, it’s knowing that you can’t give away what you don’t have. It’s giving to them from a place of overflow instead of lack. It’s what I want for you this Mother’s Day.
See you next week!
With much love,
Olivia
5 Mom Links
Links, stories, and codes from the archive:
A checklist I originally made for my friends who got pregnant after me that’s now helped hundreds of you too!
The story that started this newsletter. I wrote it after my second baby was born.
15% off one of my kid’s most worn brands. Sammy has lived in this tee for over a year, this is a similar version of Penelope’s first day of kindergarten dress, and I want this under $25 playground bag for me! Code Olivia15.
A story about how to reframe the strength and stamina that motherhood requires.
15% off Penelope’s favorite party shoes that she’s already worn 10x since they arrived last month. Code Olivia15.
Giving Tree
Giving Tree is my giveaway for paid subscribers! This one includes: The Long Devotion: Poets Writing Motherhood, Ursa Major’s new serum, Merit’s Flush Balm, Supergoop’s Mineral Mattescreen, and another surprise or two...Keep reading if you’re already a paid subscriber or become one this week.